Another Seizure 9/11/2012

My brother bought an antenna for his television today. I left at about 6 p.m. and took a walk and came home at about 8 p.m. to find that he had had a seizure and broke his antenna. He is also doing something rather curious, he seems to be fixated on comparing his wrist watch time to the alarm clock that he has on the serving bar between the living room and the kitchen. He says that he is taking his meds, but if he were I don't think that his seizures would be almost a daily issue. He has made some effort to get involved with a social group through the hospital that he stayed at during his last breakdown, but his effort to make it to the 8-10 a.m. activities are minimal at best as it is going on two weeks since he has been out and he has only attended one group meeting. I fear that he is heading directly into another episode, so personally, I am getting very concerned about what may happen or how he may (god forbid he does) choose to escalate the situation that seems inevitable unless he starts taking his medication. On a side note, he is spending a fair amount of time mumbling to himself and doing a lot of talking out loud to himself. It seems that when his schizophrenia starts getting bad, this is usually a very good barometer to tell just how intense his symptoms are being.   

9/8/2012: A Discussion With A Highly Functioning Schizophrenic And My Brothers Trip To The Library

I spoke with a next door neighbor yesterday, he is a highly functioning schizophrenic. He essentially told me the same conclusions that I came to in my last blog post. There really is little that I can do for my brother except just be there. I cannot get him to start taking his meds, I cannot help him get his life in order, I am utterly helpless to change anything about his life. The only thing that I can do is be a part of his network of support, and some relief to my mother who with my sister has had to deal with him exclusively as the rest of our family will have nothing to do with my brother. They are useless anyways so although its saddens me that they will not help tow the line for a family member, they themselves are not the kind of people who understand mental illness, nor are the best people who can be empathetic towards the plight of the schizophrenic. However, I must be honest. I sometime feel as if I lack the strength to help my brother, let alone be there for him at the drop of a dime. He wants absolute independence and resents me being here with him, yet he is so completely dependent on me for helping to keep his apartment clean, cook his meals, and be his only friend (and I do mean his only friend). I live in a constant state of preparedness for the inevitable breakdown that he will have, and that is not even an accurate statement. I live on the edge of a knife waiting for him to loose it the same as he did last time, and I know that no matter what I do, it will eventually happen especially since he has completely fallen off his medication regiment even though he has not even been out of the hospital but a week. Yesterday (9/8) he showed up at my job with a large shiner on his left cheekbone. Apparently he was at the library and had a seizure, fell and struck a table with his face. When I asked him if he took his medicine, he paused, thought about it for a second and then told me that he did. I asked if the medicine had time to hit his system and he said that he didn't think it did. Truth be told, I don't think that he was being entirely honest with me. I love my brother, but the stress is getting to me badly. I don't know if I will be able to live this close to him for much longer, and I have started making preparations to find other living arrangements if his instability continues. I walked into this blindly, and frankly I feel as if my family did not really prepare me for what I was getting into. My life is a day to day struggle with frustration and stress.

An Afterthought

I want to keep this short. I am beginning to realize that a close proximity to a schizophrenic is not necessarily the most helpful thing for a schizophrenic. More to the point, the person taking care of them, or the loved one involved in their life must absolutely have the space to be able to shut out the person that they are dealing with from time to time. From my experience I found that I need space for myself to unwind, to feel secure, to feel safe, and to have quiet times away from the chaos that is my brother. I am not sure that living with him is being any more, or less helpful. More to the point I feel an exhaustion that cannot be fixed by mere sleep alone, but rather the kind of soul draining exhaustion that can only be fixed in solitude and the peace and comfort of a familiar safe place out of reach of the world and its problems, and out of reach of the schizophrenic. I am not talking about unhealthy avoidance or denial kinds of isolation where you lock yourself in your home, drawing the shades down tight and hiding away from issues that need to be addressed, but rather the kind of isolation that aids in the replenishment of mental batteries, and the soul. You time. A personal wellness day. Whatever you want to call it, its all the same thing. It boils down to taking care of yourself, not loosing focus in your life, in your ambitions, and your drive. You have to have time for yourself, otherwise, your rubbish to anyone else.

I have to add this observation. I find it ironic that a schizophrenic wants you to leave them alone, they want their own space to make decisions (not all of them good ones) and to have some degree of control over their life, yet they also need their loved ones in a way that is almost codependent. Their needs are endless, yet when you do get involved, they become offended. I have to laugh a little at this because I know I am not dealing with a rational mind here, and being of a highly rational mind, it is almost alien to me how a schizophrenic thinks and behaves. I understand it on some level, maybe an academic one, but my experience is something else entirely where frustration and confusion are my two primary emotions. I know that I do a fair amount of complaining here, and I am not going to lie, I am having a great degree of difficulty with this. I know that when this is all said and done, that I did the best that I could to show my brother the love and support that he deserves, and I hope that I will have a positive impact in his life, but this is hard. This is really really hard, and it breaks my heart that I just can't take this away from him and release his mind from the demons that possess it. No schizophrenia is not demonic possession, but there are times when I can understand why in darker ages, the schizophrenic was seen as being possessed. And in a metaphorical way, is it really that different? My brothers mind has been hijacked by this illness, and it is inescapable, and complete. He has hope, but as anyone who deals with the schizophrenic loved one knows, relief is usually temporary, and sometimes fleeting. It feels like running a marathon where you only have two options, utter abandonment of the ones who suffer, or an endless run where you are granted only small moments of rest between moments of chaos. To those who have not dealt with this, I know it sounds dramatic, but I assure you it is no exaggeration. There are some schizophrenics who do better than others, and God bless those families and friends who have loved ones with only mild issues, or those who understand their schizophrenia and understand how to deal with it as schizophrenics. Your lucky. The endeavor is worth it I assure you of it because you are not given a choice to be selfless, the situation demands selflessness from you regardless of how you feel about it. But it still does not make it any less difficult. I guess that's all I can say about it. Its just hard.

9/7/2012: Homecoming

On 9/5/2012 at 4:00 p.m. my brother came home. I was told by one of his nurses when I called the hospital to speak to him that he had left for home in a cab, so I waited for him on the front steps of the apartment and gave him a big hug when he got home. He wasn't angry, but seemed to be in very good spirits, and spoke of his stay in the hospital as a positive experience saying that he was the crack up of the floor, and made some friends along the way. He also spoke of a program that he could volunteer in that has socials with trained professionals and other people who have a variety of challenges from schizophrenia to bi-polar disorders. He spoke of this group with a great amount of enthusiasm and even seemed to understand that taking his meds was part of that equation. He brought home a prescription for his psych meds (I forgot what they are called, will have to look that up) and said that he would have to get that filled on the 6th. Unfortunately, it is the 7th and he as of yet has picked up his meds if not even filled the prescription. Yesterday morning he woke me, and asked me about a link I left on his Facebook page about Kevin Trudeau and we have a somewhat lively discussion about his criminal past and about his authenticity as an expert in the homeopathic field of medicinal treatments. My brother follows this man with an almost cult like fervor so getting through to him about Mr. Trudeau's unsavory past and reputation for being a modern snake oil salesman wasn't terribly successful if not straight up counter productive. I will have to make note of that in the future as to a man such as my brother with an illness such as the one he has tends to find pattern in everything even where there is none. So I suppose my brother now is convinced that because the government has sued him, banned him, and imprisoned him, that that somehow legitimizes his claims about the governments conspiracy to cover up their using the pharmaceutical industry and the sick as wallets with pig tails. When my brother came to me yesterday morning, he had been up all night, which in my opinion is not good.

Later yesterday evening, I came home from running errands, and my brother was still up and I began to get concerned. I get concerned that when he is not getting regular sleep, it means that his schizophrenia is usually the cause. However this begins a cycle. He stays up because of his schizophrenia, which in turn makes him extremely exhausted, which in turn makes him more prone to seizures, which in turn makes his schizophrenia worse, which makes him stay up longer, thereby causing him to have more seizures, which in turn makes his schizophrenia worse, rinse, repeat until he completely looses it. I just got home from hanging out with a friend today (9/7/12) at 2:30 a.m. (I am on a night schedule) and walked into my brother laying on the couch awkwardly, convulsing mildly (which means I missed the worst of the seizure and he was "coming down" from it) and the coffee table turned over and all his bills, pills, everything scattered about the floor. My prediction was in fact correct, my brother is having epileptic fits while I am away, and it is due to two things, lack of sleep, and missing his medications. I predict that in a weeks time my brother will still not have filled his psych meds, be pulling 48 hours stints, or maybe even longer as he has been known to go as long as 72 hours or more without sleep and his epilepsy will get worse, he will have more seizures, and being that he is still not medicated with his psych meds, he will get more and more paranoid as time moves on. Honestly, I think that what my brother needs more than anything is a schedule where he gets regular sleep. What a shame that no more than he steps foot into his home that he is back to his regular habits that cause his seizures and schizophrenia. I don't know what to do as if this continues any further, it will get worse. I'm getting exhausted with this. 

9/5/2012 Feeling A Little Dissappointed

I have not placed an entry here for a few days, I need the time to myself and to be honest, with my brothers hospitalization, I cannot complain about being able to spend a quiet night alone, or two, or three, or this past week and a half. I look forward to my brothers return, but at the same time I look forward to it full well knowing that with that will come a new set of challenges, hurdles, and obstacles. However, I am feeling a lack of support at the moment mainly from my mom and my sister. I am trying not to rush into judgement, she may have lost her phone, or something may have come up because she too has a life she must attend to that has nothing to do with me, or my brother. However, we (me, my mother, my sister, and my brother) are at a critical point because my brothers social worker and my brother both want to talk to my mother, and as anyone who has dealt with a schizophrenic knows, these moments when family can sit down with their schizophrenic loved one, with a professional and talk about issues and concerns, it is a rare thing indeed, and frankly, I feel as if my mom is squandering a golden opportunity to gain more insight into my brother with the aid of a professional. What I fear is what kind of message will this send to my brother, that my mother does not have the time? That she is too busy to address his concerns? The truth be told, it makes me a little irritated that this opportunity seems to be taken so lightly by mom, or at least if there is something that is making it difficult for her to attend this meeting, that she is at least not communicating to either/both my brother and the social worker the issues that are keeping her from attending this meeting. I feel badly for my brother, I cannot imagine the message that is being sent to him right now while he is alone in this hospital without the aid or support of his family. I think that I am going to try to go tomorrow and bring him something, maybe a deck of cards to occupy his time, and his checkbook and bills so that he may at least have the comfort of knowing that his financial obligations are being addressed. My mother is ageing, and so I do understand that the trek across (way across) town is daunting, but mom please, at least call me, call my brother, explain to him that you can't make it, but most of all, please don't commit to something that you you don't think you can do. If family cannot make their commitments, then how can we possibly expect my brother to do the same?

09/01/2012 Just A Question

I was walking home tonight after work and it was raining. Somewhere between leaving work bone dry and arriving home sopping wet I wondered to myself why schizophrenia always seems to manifest itself in the minds of the schizophrenic so negatively. Its always, "your horrible" or, "your a liar" or, "they are out to get you", but its never, "your a great guy" or, "keep up the great work" or, "people really like you a lot". I wonder if there are schizophrenics out there that have these voices that tell them good thing, reaffirming things, things that make the schizophrenic feel valuable and good about themselves. I am not really trying to be terribly funny when I say this but, if schizophrenia was like that, at least to me it would seem like a mental disease that I could put myself behind.

I hope that some day my brother and I could have a talk about the voices he hears. If we could have that talk some day, I would tell him that although I don't hear voices, I can be horribly hard on myself and that I have called myself stupid, or lazy, or berated myself for a silly mistake, and although I don't know (and thankfully) what it is like to live under the crushing weight of schizophrenia, being hard on ones self can be debilitating and paralyzing, but mostly it just hurts, just plain hurts. I love you bubba, I hope that I can help you find some kind of peace.  

Update: WOOOHOOO!!!!

Got a call from my brother at 3:08 p.m. today. He is in great spirits! I think he has been taking his meds and it shows by the tone of his voice on the phone Aw man I am so relieved to hear him sounding so great. Hell he even said that he loved me! I don't expect the "bumpy ride" is over, but I am beginning to learn that sometimes you just have to set the big picture aside from time to time and enjoy a good day when your having a good day. This apartment is a little lonely without my brother, and both the apartment and I will breathe a sigh of relief when he gets home. All is not clear, and I am still cautious, but for right now, it is rainy and cool out, I can hear the sounds of water splashing under the tires of the traffic outside, The Beatles are playing on my MP3 player, my brother is in good spirits, and I am feeling pretty damn good right now. Thank you brother, I needed this desperately. I love you too!!!

8/31/2012 Proof: What I Would Like To See For My Brother

I never spent a lot of time thinking about conspiracies personally. I hear a lot of them from varied sources, people I meet, some of the radio shows I have listened to (you get pretty bored driving a big rig and the radio can be a good companion) internet articles, etc. but for me personally, it has always boiled down to having some kind of concrete proof. I studied quite a bit of philosophy in college, I enjoyed the courses very much and became somewhat close to a couple of my instructors (props to Barry and Dave). If I was hard pressed to walk away with anything from my philosophy classes, I would say that understanding what proof is, and how proof works was the most useful to me in my day to day life. That's not really the case for my brother. I would like to use Kevin Trudeau as an example. My brother is obsessed with him, and mainly because Mr. Trudeau feeds into his paranoid delusions. The government is using the medical/pharmaceutical industry as a cash cow, the pharmaceutical companies are using predatory practices on patients all in the name of gross profit, on and on and on. I have never had the "talk" with my brother about Kevin Trudeau, and I am not sure when or if that is a good conversation to have with him as it seems that a figure like Mr. Trudeau is exactly the kind of fodder the paranoid schizophrenic mind hungers for. He looks as if he is a credible source, he appears to know what he is talking about, he is charismatic, well spoken, and he seems concerned for the greater good of common people. My brother has bought this mans books, hell he even has the Kevin Trudeau kitchen magnet. What my brother doesn't know is that Kevin Trudeau has had several felony convictions and has been the unsuccessful defendant in several Federal Trade Commission Lawsuits. Trudeau has been charged with larceny and fraud in the 1990's, been sued several times by the FTC, was fined $5 million dollars for claims he has made in a weight loss book, banned from making infomercials, and was sued for $37 million (source Wikipedia). Kevin Trudeau has no leg left to stand on, except to the mind of a schizophrenic. I would imagine that if I were to introduce this material to my brother, that he would see all of this as proof that Kevin Trudeau was in fact legitimate, that what ever knowledge he is in possession of is so damning to the federal government that the government has gone to great lengths to smear his name and reputation, because he is the great holder of all the secrets that "the government does not want you to know about". What he would refuse to see is that this man is not only feeding him false information, but is using the naivety of the misinformed and consequently the paranoid delusions of my brother as a means to make money for himself. My point behind all this is that my brother does not understand the requirements of proof. Proof does not cater itself to our wishes or desires, many times I would cling to an idea only to do the research on it and find that my ideas, or whatever information I thought I had was absolutely wrong, and I understand how frustrating it can be because there are times when we have these ideas and when we find out that we are mistaken, sometimes we have to redefine parts of our world view because we were mistaken. That is what my brother faces. His entire world view is skewed by paranoid delusions, and thank you Mr. Trudeau for playing your part in facilitating my brothers paranoia, and keeping him from a better life by scaring my brother into not taking his medication. And really, I am convinced that my brothers life issues can boil down to three very simple things, not taking his meds, not actively seeking out counseling, and not learning anything about his schizophrenia. 

So what would I like to see happen for my brother? I would like first of all to see him start taking his meds, all of his meds according to his doctors prescriptions. I would like to see him try and learn something about his seizure disorders, and learn something about his schizophrenia. I would like to see him get actively involved in counseling and reaching out if not to family members, then to doctors and trained experts for the help he needs. Lastly, I would like to see him thriving, living a good life, and maybe he will never be rid of the voices he hears, but at least find a way to muffle them. 

8/30/2012 Trying To Build A Network

I talked with my brother today. He seems fine (my brother always "seems" fine) but there is melancholy in his voice. I don't blame him, I am sure where he is must be humiliating and a horrible experience for him. He said he was OK, his voice has been a little horse, but he is his usual calm unshakable self. My brother has a very good "phone poker face" so when talking to him I am never quite sure how to interpret what he is telling me. Really the only time that I know something is wrong is when he is alone, delusional, paranoid, and exhausted from several days without sleep, or floating on an hour of sleep here, and an hour of sleep there. Otherwise there is nothing really significant to report other than I am waiting for my brother to come home. After that, I have no idea what is going to happen. My mother has it in her head that he is being medicated and treated at the hospital, but I suspect that he isn't. My reasoning is that my brother has the right to refuse medication as long as he is there, and my brother is convinced that he doesn't need the medication so why would he take it if he isn't required to? The only exception may be that he will comply in effort to shorten his stay, but usually they can only hold him up to 96 hours and he has been in the hospital for approximately 120 hours, well over the 96 hour cut off point. They are keeping him longer than the normal amount of time which leads me to believe that he is being evaluated for something, or they are waiting for something to happen. The problem as I have stated is that my brother and the mental health system here in Missouri (as per their legal procedures) have not empowered me, the person closes to my brother to be an active hand in helping my brother recover. I am beginning to feel as if maybe even my family, especially my mother are scared to take this the entire distance. My mom wants my brother to be independent, and she feels that he does not need to be institutionalized, at this point, as I look at everything, my brothers refusal to take his meds, his denial, his dissociative issues, what I see is a repetitive pattern. So if I were ask my mother, what do you mean when you say you want to "help" my brother? What exactly is "helping", and to "do what"? I have an answer for that question, I just don't know if my mother has the same answer. My answer is this, I want to help my brother so he will better understand his illness, or at least see that taking his medication spot on regularly will help him improve the quality of his life so that my brother can actually be independent... truly independent. Or at least as independent as a man with schizophrenia can be. And who knows, part of the success of this equation is finding a way to get it through my brothers head that he needs his meds to do more than just survive, he needs his meds to thrive.

Running To Stand Still

Watch "Elbow - Running To Stand Still" on YouTube

I dedicate this song to my brother. I know that this song is about heroin abuse, but when I listen to this song what I get out of it is the desperation of being trapped in an inescapable cycle. My brother as I have mentioned in earlier blogs is that person. My brother has a serious issue, schizophrenia, and he is in absolute denial of it and as a result he is trapped in a cycle of falling in and out of the Missouri mental healthcare system and falling in and out of his own life. I have great fears for my brother because where ever it is that he is going, where ever it is that his paranoid delusions take him I cannot see as being someplace good. I am not a fatalist, but unless my brother can somehow come to terms with his illness, I don't see his future as being bright. When I lived in San Diego and Phoenix often I came across a lost soul like my brother, someone mentally ill who's family may have forgotten, or given up on, or turned away.

" Despite the disproportionate number of mentally ill people among the homeless population, the
growth in homelessness is not attributable to the release of seriously mentally ill people from
institutions. Most patients were released from mental hospitals in the 1950s and 1960s, yet vast
increases in homelessness did not occur until the 1980s, when incomes and housing options for
those living on the margins began to diminish rapidly (see "Why Are People Homeless?," NCH
Fact Sheet #1). However, a new wave of deinstitutionalization and the denial of services or
premature and unplanned discharge brought about by managed care arrangements may be
contributing to the continued presence of seriously mentally ill persons within the homeless
population."

-NCH Fact Sheet #5

If my brothers SSI holds out during these politically unstable times, then he has a fighting chance, but without treatment, without the ability to become employed, I fear that my brothers future may be the same as the people I met wondering the street of the West Coast towns I've lived and visited. And my brother has some violent tendencies, so God only knows what trouble that may land him. I am trying to be optimistic, but it would be a lie if I said that I was anything but terrified for my brothers well being.

Rant #2

OK OK OK, I have been blogging a LOT about my brother in a short period of time. There is a LOT to say in these blogs and for all intents and purposes, this is a new thing for me as I have not had the opportunity to be the seasoned experts that my mother and sister are. As far as my rants, I do these rants because they are cathartic for me. I know that the past few posts have been very negative about my brother. To be honest, I don't see an end to this situation for quite a while, so unfortunately my blog posts will more than likely be slanted towards the negative as schizophrenia is one of those Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde deals. My brother is a very sweet, considerate, and affectionate man when he isn't racked with delusions and paranoia. Unfortunately when he is really lucid, when he is really "awake" is rare. I haven't been here long enough to see the full gamut of his personality swings, but I know for sure that my brother has been a stark raving mad man for a while now. How long? No clue. But I can say for sure that he has been unmonitored with his meds and he clearly has no intention to take them as they are prescribed. Actually what I have been struggling with is the concept of accountability. Should a delusional paranoid schizophrenic be held to the same level of accountability that every one else in the world is? O.K. I don't wanna bring prison terms into this for violent crimes, I want to stick to the normal everyday kinds of accountability. I personally feel a deep sense of accountability for my actions. If I hurt someone, I want to make it better, I want to apologize for my actions. I feel shame for what I did because I know who I am, and I am not the kind of person that would intentionally hurt anyone. However, my brothers actions all be it are delusional, they are planned out, thoroughly thought out, and in some cases extensively thought out. Personally I feel that my brother needs to be held accountable for some of his actions. If he hurts mom, then would it not be appropriate to tell him that he is no longer allowed over at her house if he continues to behave the way he is behaving? If my brother does something that is an offense to another person, then is it not his responsibility as an adult to at least take the blame for what he did? My brother is in his 50's and he is not an invalid, he does not suffer from retardation, no he isn't Einstein, but he is aware enough to understand right from wrong, and shouldn't he be held accountable for that? Schizophrenia or not, delusional or not, paranoid or not if my brother cannot understand the concept of boundaries, then he should at least be able to understand that if you verbally attack a person on a public bus, then as a consequence you run the risk of being assaulted by that person. Here is what I see as a fact. Consequence is inescapable. If we behave badly, there are consequences for our actions. End of story. I don't think that my family really has been very good about showing my brother that if he does something that is wrong, then there are very direct consequences for what he does. I think that my mother tends to get very protective of him which reinforces a sense of permissibility. I don't know, some of the conversations that I have had with him seem to suggest that the only thing he really understands is the fear of physical consequence. Damnit... I really do not like where this seems to be going. My mother has expressed to me that she is relieved that I am back home and that maybe my brother needs a firmer hand in how he is addressed by the family. I hate how that sounds because I am no judge, I am no jury, I am no executioner, I don't fight unless attacked, and I am not violent. Now I don't take crap from people, and I am very outspoken but I do not see myself as a disciplinarian. I dunno, maybe that is what she means by a firmer hand, just someone that wont let him bullshit his way out of wrong doing? But how delusional is my brother? Can I get through to him? Look, if this man is so racked with delusion and paranoia that I have to ask myself when he has done something inexcusably wrong, "well, how delusional and paranoid is he to determine how he is to be addressed about his wrong doings?" then perhaps he should be institutionalized. If a person cannot tell right from wrong in their day to day life then that is not a normal functioning person. At least I think... Is my brother a time bomb, a man in a trench coat with an assault rife? Absolutely not, but I must admit, he decision making might not get others hurt, but eventually will get himself hurt. He needs to understand consequence to function in day to day life. For instance my sister told me that when she lived with him, he had come to the conclusion that he was going to just stroll into his old highschool and say "hi" to everyone. This is Westport Highschool, the kind of highscool with metal detectors, and guards. What would have been the consequence of just dropping by to say hi? A good tasering? A beatdown by the highschool rent-a-cops? If my brother cannot operate in his life being able to make risk assessments then that is not being functional. I worry for him. I saw this video of a homeless man in California who was mercilessly beat down and tased by the local police. This beating lasted for about 33 minutes. He was a schizophrenic as my brother is, he was untreated as my brother is, and after the beating he slipped into a coma and died five hours later. Let me state myself clearly here. I do not want my brother to become a statistic.

The Social Worker To The Rescue 8/28/20012

I am not sure if this will actually help, but I do find it humorous. My brother called Mom today and told her that the social worker that has my brothers case would like to arrange a meeting with my brother and her and asked my brother if he would agree to that. Now apparently this has happened in the past because when my mother said that she would agree to it, my brother told her that the only way that he would do it is if she didn't, "lie like she did the last time". I talked with mom about this and she said that she simply stated the facts about my brothers behavior when he was living with my mother for three years. I can't say that this case worker will actually be of any help, but in a way it is comforting to know that there is an outside agent that is doing some kind of assessment on my brothers case. What good will come of it? I have no idea, but anything can happen. However, I am concerned. My brother has shut me out, and according to what one of the nurses "told" (let me explain here, the nurse did not actually "tell" my mother anything, it was just strongly "suggested") my mother is that my brother is refusing all of his medications. I don't know how many seizures he has been having, he already had to take a trip to the ER as a result of one, but I would imagine without his epilepsy meds, he is having them fairly frequently.

I am concerned however because I was called by a doctor working under another doctor this morning asking me some rather strange questions, for instance, "why did you move here to live with your brother from Phoenix?". Truth be told, I suspect strongly that my brother is maybe telling health professionals things that are not true. Funny thing is that my sister always told me my brother was a pretty manipulative person, and I always wrote it off because my experience with my brother (mind you separated by over 1,000 miles via phone) is that he has been fairly honest at least as honest as a delusional schizophrenic can be I suppose. I just never really had my brother pegged as a very highly manipulative person. However, after living with him, things are now coming back to me, annoying conversations with my brother over the phone with endless belly aching from him about my sister. He would go on and on telling me how controlling she is, how she tries to get into your head and find weakness, and how she plays people off one another. In fact, his calling me to solely talk about this became such an issue that I would have to rather harshly at times cut him off to remind him that he has already enlightened me to how "horrible a person my sister is". So many times I was just so sick of hearing about my brothers issues with my sister that all together I would just ignore his calls entirely. He also felt quite frequently that he needed to educate me on my own mothers behavior, however he had always been rather cautious with what he has said to me in the past because I am a mommas boy and I would not have my brother badmouthing to me about my own mother. Further conversations with my sister revealed that while he lived with my sister and mother (they are spinsters I am convinced of it lol) that he placed a pretty valiant effort into using my mother as a means of creating problems with my sister via gossip, tattle telling, etc. Either way, in my own experience, my brother has a bizarre competitive streak that can be rather ruthless. He doesn't seem to really understand boundaries, nor does he seem to understand when something has gone too far. I worry about this because my brother has had violent outbursts in the past, one in particular I remember when I was probably about 14 years old, maybe 15, where he came to the house my mother and I stayed at, and he was in a rage. He backed my mother into a corner and she sank down to the floor with him over her yelling at her. No. Screaming at her, "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KEEP ME DOWN!!!". He stood above her with his fist raised to her not as if he was going to punch her, but more like he was trying not to punch her. The truth of the matter is that has always bothered me greatly. I would relate that as one of the top few really traumatic events of my childhood. That was probably when I  began to become terrified of my brother as a young adult, and contributed to why I ran away from him and distanced myself from him. Now what is really interesting about this was a conversation I had with my brother about maybe 5, maybe 6 weeks ago. We were having a conversation about his schizophrenia. He had asked me again (he asked me a first time but that is another blog entry) if I thought he was schizophrenic. I told him that I didn't think all of his behavior was "normal", and I asked him this question to try to demonstrate that point and this was how the conversation went.

Me: Do you remember when you cornered mom and raised your fist at her?
Brother: No I don't.
Me: I find that hard to believe, you have no memory of that at all?
Brother: Do you remember that?
Me: Yes, very clearly.
Brother: I wasn't going to hit her really.
Me: So you do remember that?
Brother: Maybe a little but that was a long time ago so we won't discuss that.
Me: Actually, I think it is very important to discuss that. I need to know why you did that. Do you think that it was an acceptable thing to do?
Brother: I wasn't going to hit her, I was just trying to scare her.
Me: Really? Scare her? So why were you trying to scare her? What were you so upset about that would have you back your mother against a wall and raise your fist to her?
Brother: That's not really important. I wasn't going to hit her, and anyways, and I wasn't angry at all. I don't get angry. I never get angry. I am a pretty easy going person, I never get angry.
Me: That's not how I remember that. I remember very clearly that you were yelling at her "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HOLD ME DOWN!"
Brother: Now, I never yelled at her, and I didn't hit her.
Me: I know you didn't hit her because if you did I would have grabbed the shovel out of the back yard. And yes you did yell at her. You were furious. But you honestly don't think any of this is really a big deal?
Brother: No I don't.
Me: Dude, you had your mother backed against the corner, sank down on the floor begging you not to hit her. She begged  you not to hit her, and you don't think that was a big deal?
Brother: I know how people are, and when they want to make a point, they just use their hands and sometimes waive them in the air to show someone that they are serious about what you have to say to them.
Me: No brother, you didn't "waive your hands in the air" you had your fist balled up. Dude, people do not raise their fist like that to make a point, especially to their own mother! You had your fists in her face dude. You were screaming at her. She was crying and begging  you not to hit her, and you don't think that this is any big deal? You think that this is how you get a message across to someone? You think this is an acceptable way to treat your mother? Yeah mom has made me mad as hell, but never, and I mean never did I think for one solitary moment that it would be OK to push her into a corner, lord over her with my fist in her face and yell at her, ever...
Brother: Now, it really wasn't that big of a deal, she got over it.
Me: Brother, what I am trying to tell you is that people do not do this. The only people who do these kinds of things are people who have a serious problem and I believe that at that time you had a very serious problem.

What troubles me about this conversation, if it isn't obvious, is that there was not one once of remorse. No indication what so ever that there was any shame or guilt about what he did. He was simply "over" it and why shouldn't mom be "over" it? Who knows, maybe his guilt has manifested as denial. I am not a psychologist and I am not trained in these things, but what does it matter? As far as I am concerned it clearly establishes that there is a profound problem linking his schizophrenia with anger, inability to control his anger, what actions that anger can lead him to and his inability to take responsibility for his actions. Now earlier I mentioned that he is extremely competitive. I won't lie, when the doctor called me and asked me why I moved here from Phoenix, I found that a rather curious question and frankly I can't help but wonder what he may be telling his doctors in the hospital. Would my brother tell them that I have been abusing him? Would he really stoop to that level? At this point, as he is unmedicated, as he is delusional, would he have an ax to grind against me as I was the one to signed the affidavit? I have no idea, but here is the really crazy part of dealing with insanity, the rules by which apply to the majority of the population simply do not apply when it comes to people who are delusional, unmedicated, and extremely paranoid.

The hell of living with a schizophrenic

The hell of living with a schizophrenic

8/28/2012

A moment for apology. I am not used to writing blogs. I am a good writer but usually I know what I am writing about, but this is so radically different from what I have ever done in the past so some of this may be rambling. 

My brother is still in the hospital. I have been talking to his doctor, and his social worker, but unless someone has guardianship over him, there really isn't anything I, nor they can do. However, I am enemy number one to my brother right now, and he has it in his head that what ever this journey him and I started together with me living with him, he wants it to end. He called me this morning and asked me what "home" I am in. I told him that I was here at the apartment and he asked me if everything is OK with the apartment. Now, the reason he is asking me this is because he is worried that I will trash or destroy his apartment while he is in the hospital. I assured him that his apartment was fine and that all his things are exactly as he left them. I also suspect that he thinks that I have brought my mother and sister here as well. I say this because yesterday morning my brother called my sister and asked her the same question, "What home are you in". After talking with my sister about their conversation, he apparently thought that my sister was in his apartment. I guess this is what I was saying in my rant, my brother is thinking about his apartment situation, but a simple thought, what to most of us is a fleeting irrational thought, and we treat it as such, an irrational thought for my brother takes seed in his mind so easily. My brother may think in passing, "hmm, I wonder if my little brother (me) has given access to the apartment to my sister." Usually for most of us, a thought like that may flash through our minds but most of us know the day to day demands of people, they have jobs, they have lives of their own, they have their own friends and outside interests. The reality is that most people just do not have the time or energy it requires to... do what? To reek havoc on the lives of other people? To schedule in getting off work, stopping by a friends house and saying hello, go to the grocery store, do laundry, pick up the house or apartment, feed the cat, walk the dog, make dinner, and still somehow find the time and energy to trash my brothers place while he is gone? I guess that is what I was saying in my rant as well, my brother doesn't see the bigger picture. He doesn't see that people on the average just do not have the time, or energy let alone have it in them to play the evil little impish games that he imagines people are playing with him. My sister for instance. He accused her of trying to take over his apartment and run his apartment. More poignantly, to take over his life and run his life. My sister has many problems and I will not deny that my sister can be a mess at times, however, what benefit does she gain from taking on the added responsibility of my brothers life? None. My brother's life is so chaotic, who would want that responsibility? It would be like inheriting a burned up shell of a house, horaaay! you have a completely useless piece of real estate... The fact of the matter is this. My brother has nothing to offer that is worth the effort. Nothing. At least nothing special that any one else seems to have, a room, a bed, a couch, some cooking items in the fridge, pots, pans, knife set, a t.v., a couch, a couple chairs, so please brother, tell me, what exactly would all the work and effort gain anyone? What do you have that is worth all the damn work? However, this is the mind of a schizophrenic, it doesn't abide by rules of logic, it just does what it will, catches the coattails of a tangent, milks it dry, then moves on to the next tangent. Except for the daily business of human existence, shit, shower, shave, eat, sleep, etc. my brother has no life to speak of. No friends, a family that is really for all intents and purposes that useless burn out shell of a home, not even an associate, unless you consider his doctors to be those "associates". Really beyond that, my brother has nothing except me. And I am slipping through his fingers because of this stupid illness.

Rant #1

My rant is that I have no idea what to rant about. Its not that there isn't anything to rant about because in fact, there has been many things happening, but I can simplify most of this poppycock. The problem I have with my brother is communication. Not lack of, but an abundance. We have to talk about everything, not casual pondering life talks, but these grand serious "sit down" and talk talks. Its beyond exhausting. The other problem that I have is that simplicity to a schizophrenic is an opportunity for absolute fools folly. It doesn't matter how simple the problem is, a schizophrenic will find a way to royally fuck it up but turning it into a power struggle, and it doesn't matter what "it" is. It could be over who gets what room, or a shower, or a house key. It can be about literally anything as long as its petty. It seems that complex ideas like taking time to observe patters to ones own actions, that kind of self reflection is absolutely NOT THERE. If every time you try to do something and it fails, at some point one would start looking for a different approach to your problems. But not a schizophrenic. They will do the same thing over, and over, and over repeating the same mistakes, and never looking at their behaviors and comparing it to the outcome of their situations which are almost always bad. Instead, everything from buying a car, to picking out a fucking stick of gum is labored over, mulled about in the head, options weighed, red, or green, or maybe red, or is it green? Nonono! Its red. And DO NOT REVISIT that situation because all it provides to my brother is an opportunity to find some obscure pattern is something that is said and done. Nit pick EVERYTHING.... To death...

So my brother and I had an issue. It was over something that he did, and especially the way he went about it. But thats just the catalyst for the real situation which was a power play my brother sprung on me. The face of the absurd? You damn well bet it was! Ever know exactly what someone was doing, but you couldn't for the life of yourself tell why they choose to do it that way and why they would even try? Asking for a simple key is not to my brother "just" asking for a simple key. It is this elaborate plan, where I get out of bed, I trip over a wire which triggers a shoe, which kicks the ball, which rolls down the hill, which hits a bottle rocket, which ricochets off of a barn hitting a string breaking it which in turn makes a chair fall, then he will say "we must talk". But for my brother it never turns out this way. Instead, he just does something horribly offensive, and deeply personally insulting, and then expects you to sit with him for 30 minutes with a shit eating smirk on his face clammed up tight as a drum and you asking whats going on over and over without a response. So to my brother, I love you dude, but no more... This will never happen again for sure. 

August 25th 13:30

I was sleeping and my brother entered my room.
I heard the jingling of my chain wallet but didn't think anything of it and went back to sleep. A few minutes later my brother busted into my room demanding I get up. He had taken my wallet in my sleep and informed me that he also wanted my keys to the apartment. He then told me that I would have to sign some hand written paperwork to get my wallet back, and reluctantly I did. The "contract" had to do with some debt I owed him, but his terms were insane. All payment arrangements and payment dates he had arranged in the contract were subject to change at his will. After signing, he then held my key "hostage". I immediately called the police and had him taken to Western Missouri for psychiatric evaluation. I later signed an affidavit stating his history of violent confrontation with my mother and sister, and I felt he was a danger to himself and others.
My greatest immediate concern is not for my waking well being, but being attacked in my sleep. I estimate his stay will be 48-72 hours, but I really have no idea when they will release him, or if he will be medicated when he returns home, however it has become evident to me that if I have to worry about sleeping at night, perhaps it is time to start looking for another place to stay.
Currently I have hid all the knives in the apartment. After what happened today, after having him committed I have no idea what he is going to do.
I don't want to loose my brother, but how is this bearable? How do family members deal with the chaos, the unpredictability, and the insanity of the insane?

I Have No Clue What I Am Doing

The truth of the matter is that I have no idea what I am doing. My name is Elias Rodriguez and my brother is an epileptic. Partial complex seizure disorder to be exact, and by what I have read each PCSD (I am not sure if PCSD is official, but I will call it that for the sake of simplicity) episode is unique.
My brothers seizures were always part of my life, ever since I could remember. Usually you knew when the seizure was coming because my brother would disappear right before he would have one. He would stare off and this blank expression would cross his face. That was a few seconds before the actual seizure would kick in. At that moment, he would leap up screaming, "It's OK, I'm sorry tonight, how are you! I'm sorry tonight, how are you!" over and over again. And he would grab anyone who was immediately next to him with the superhuman strength that only a man pumped to his eyeballs with adrenaline would have, and every time it was me the one he decided to grab, it was a struggle to keep him from crushing my hand grabbed in his, or God forbid if he got his arms around me. And yeah, sometimes it was enough to hurt. This was a very large part of my life growing up, and although my brother was significantly older than me, and lived on his own since he was fairly young, he was always around our family.
I can't remember when the onset of his schizophrenia really started up. I would imagine he was probably in his early 20's. It stole my brother from me in many ways, at least as I remembered him, just being an epileptic. As I recall in my youth my brother was a very happy person given his situation, and our relationship was very close. It wasn't until all the symptoms started to surface, the paranoia, hearing voices, the anger, delusions, that I drew away from my brother and to a greater extent disassociated from him. It wasn't for shame, or because of embarrassment, that I drew away from him. It just terrified me watching this disease destroy his personality, degrade it to mumbling, anger, even an arrogance in him I never knew. I never understood the arrogant part. Maybe it was because in his deepest delusions it was like he had something figured out, the way we my mom and I, fit into whatever was happening in his head, however, I wasn't really part of his conspiracies then, he more than likely saw me as just too young. However, what I saw frightened me, and frightened me greatly.
There is just too much to tell in one blog entry. I suppose as whatever this is that I am doing unfolds, if it does, then I will be doing a lot of thinking about the past and what happened to my brother, to me, and to the rest of the family. However, I am here, living with my brother at his grace, back in my home town of Kansas City, Missouri, and I am doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing. Essentially, I am talking behind his back. I am a gossip, at least that's how it feels. But bear this in mind, I really have relatively few people to share my experience with, and so far my eight or so weeks back in town have been an experience. My brother, if I may explain, is and has been for quite some time unmedicated. He simply does not believe, more to the point, admit that he has schizophrenia, or at least his that particular seizure disorder causes schizophrenic symptoms. PCSD is difficult like that, because it's side effects are very much and in many ways almost identical to schizophrenia. I don't know how exactly, there is a lot to read and frankly my brother does not help because he keeps his doctors misinformed about his real condition, and he keeps us his family misinformed about what is really going on in his head because much like me, my brother is also terrified of his schizophrenia and his only perceived weapon is denial. Consequently, it is that very denial that has turned him into the man he is today, one that suffers immeasurably because he is desperately trying to keep a lid on whatever chaos is happening in his mind. I suppose it must be a lot like Douglas Quaid the character from Total Recall at least in that he exists in a world where everyone is suspect, everyone has a motive, and everyone (eventually) will turn on him and try to repress, or hold him back from something he feels he deserves. It's just impossible to know what exactly is happening in his head as my brother is the greatest holder of secrets I have ever met. Its all just too much for one blog entry.