An Afterthought

I want to keep this short. I am beginning to realize that a close proximity to a schizophrenic is not necessarily the most helpful thing for a schizophrenic. More to the point, the person taking care of them, or the loved one involved in their life must absolutely have the space to be able to shut out the person that they are dealing with from time to time. From my experience I found that I need space for myself to unwind, to feel secure, to feel safe, and to have quiet times away from the chaos that is my brother. I am not sure that living with him is being any more, or less helpful. More to the point I feel an exhaustion that cannot be fixed by mere sleep alone, but rather the kind of soul draining exhaustion that can only be fixed in solitude and the peace and comfort of a familiar safe place out of reach of the world and its problems, and out of reach of the schizophrenic. I am not talking about unhealthy avoidance or denial kinds of isolation where you lock yourself in your home, drawing the shades down tight and hiding away from issues that need to be addressed, but rather the kind of isolation that aids in the replenishment of mental batteries, and the soul. You time. A personal wellness day. Whatever you want to call it, its all the same thing. It boils down to taking care of yourself, not loosing focus in your life, in your ambitions, and your drive. You have to have time for yourself, otherwise, your rubbish to anyone else.

I have to add this observation. I find it ironic that a schizophrenic wants you to leave them alone, they want their own space to make decisions (not all of them good ones) and to have some degree of control over their life, yet they also need their loved ones in a way that is almost codependent. Their needs are endless, yet when you do get involved, they become offended. I have to laugh a little at this because I know I am not dealing with a rational mind here, and being of a highly rational mind, it is almost alien to me how a schizophrenic thinks and behaves. I understand it on some level, maybe an academic one, but my experience is something else entirely where frustration and confusion are my two primary emotions. I know that I do a fair amount of complaining here, and I am not going to lie, I am having a great degree of difficulty with this. I know that when this is all said and done, that I did the best that I could to show my brother the love and support that he deserves, and I hope that I will have a positive impact in his life, but this is hard. This is really really hard, and it breaks my heart that I just can't take this away from him and release his mind from the demons that possess it. No schizophrenia is not demonic possession, but there are times when I can understand why in darker ages, the schizophrenic was seen as being possessed. And in a metaphorical way, is it really that different? My brothers mind has been hijacked by this illness, and it is inescapable, and complete. He has hope, but as anyone who deals with the schizophrenic loved one knows, relief is usually temporary, and sometimes fleeting. It feels like running a marathon where you only have two options, utter abandonment of the ones who suffer, or an endless run where you are granted only small moments of rest between moments of chaos. To those who have not dealt with this, I know it sounds dramatic, but I assure you it is no exaggeration. There are some schizophrenics who do better than others, and God bless those families and friends who have loved ones with only mild issues, or those who understand their schizophrenia and understand how to deal with it as schizophrenics. Your lucky. The endeavor is worth it I assure you of it because you are not given a choice to be selfless, the situation demands selflessness from you regardless of how you feel about it. But it still does not make it any less difficult. I guess that's all I can say about it. Its just hard.