Rant #2

OK OK OK, I have been blogging a LOT about my brother in a short period of time. There is a LOT to say in these blogs and for all intents and purposes, this is a new thing for me as I have not had the opportunity to be the seasoned experts that my mother and sister are. As far as my rants, I do these rants because they are cathartic for me. I know that the past few posts have been very negative about my brother. To be honest, I don't see an end to this situation for quite a while, so unfortunately my blog posts will more than likely be slanted towards the negative as schizophrenia is one of those Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde deals. My brother is a very sweet, considerate, and affectionate man when he isn't racked with delusions and paranoia. Unfortunately when he is really lucid, when he is really "awake" is rare. I haven't been here long enough to see the full gamut of his personality swings, but I know for sure that my brother has been a stark raving mad man for a while now. How long? No clue. But I can say for sure that he has been unmonitored with his meds and he clearly has no intention to take them as they are prescribed. Actually what I have been struggling with is the concept of accountability. Should a delusional paranoid schizophrenic be held to the same level of accountability that every one else in the world is? O.K. I don't wanna bring prison terms into this for violent crimes, I want to stick to the normal everyday kinds of accountability. I personally feel a deep sense of accountability for my actions. If I hurt someone, I want to make it better, I want to apologize for my actions. I feel shame for what I did because I know who I am, and I am not the kind of person that would intentionally hurt anyone. However, my brothers actions all be it are delusional, they are planned out, thoroughly thought out, and in some cases extensively thought out. Personally I feel that my brother needs to be held accountable for some of his actions. If he hurts mom, then would it not be appropriate to tell him that he is no longer allowed over at her house if he continues to behave the way he is behaving? If my brother does something that is an offense to another person, then is it not his responsibility as an adult to at least take the blame for what he did? My brother is in his 50's and he is not an invalid, he does not suffer from retardation, no he isn't Einstein, but he is aware enough to understand right from wrong, and shouldn't he be held accountable for that? Schizophrenia or not, delusional or not, paranoid or not if my brother cannot understand the concept of boundaries, then he should at least be able to understand that if you verbally attack a person on a public bus, then as a consequence you run the risk of being assaulted by that person. Here is what I see as a fact. Consequence is inescapable. If we behave badly, there are consequences for our actions. End of story. I don't think that my family really has been very good about showing my brother that if he does something that is wrong, then there are very direct consequences for what he does. I think that my mother tends to get very protective of him which reinforces a sense of permissibility. I don't know, some of the conversations that I have had with him seem to suggest that the only thing he really understands is the fear of physical consequence. Damnit... I really do not like where this seems to be going. My mother has expressed to me that she is relieved that I am back home and that maybe my brother needs a firmer hand in how he is addressed by the family. I hate how that sounds because I am no judge, I am no jury, I am no executioner, I don't fight unless attacked, and I am not violent. Now I don't take crap from people, and I am very outspoken but I do not see myself as a disciplinarian. I dunno, maybe that is what she means by a firmer hand, just someone that wont let him bullshit his way out of wrong doing? But how delusional is my brother? Can I get through to him? Look, if this man is so racked with delusion and paranoia that I have to ask myself when he has done something inexcusably wrong, "well, how delusional and paranoid is he to determine how he is to be addressed about his wrong doings?" then perhaps he should be institutionalized. If a person cannot tell right from wrong in their day to day life then that is not a normal functioning person. At least I think... Is my brother a time bomb, a man in a trench coat with an assault rife? Absolutely not, but I must admit, he decision making might not get others hurt, but eventually will get himself hurt. He needs to understand consequence to function in day to day life. For instance my sister told me that when she lived with him, he had come to the conclusion that he was going to just stroll into his old highschool and say "hi" to everyone. This is Westport Highschool, the kind of highscool with metal detectors, and guards. What would have been the consequence of just dropping by to say hi? A good tasering? A beatdown by the highschool rent-a-cops? If my brother cannot operate in his life being able to make risk assessments then that is not being functional. I worry for him. I saw this video of a homeless man in California who was mercilessly beat down and tased by the local police. This beating lasted for about 33 minutes. He was a schizophrenic as my brother is, he was untreated as my brother is, and after the beating he slipped into a coma and died five hours later. Let me state myself clearly here. I do not want my brother to become a statistic.