I was walking home tonight after work and it was raining. Somewhere between leaving work bone dry and arriving home sopping wet I wondered to myself why schizophrenia always seems to manifest itself in the minds of the schizophrenic so negatively. Its always, "your horrible" or, "your a liar" or, "they are out to get you", but its never, "your a great guy" or, "keep up the great work" or, "people really like you a lot". I wonder if there are schizophrenics out there that have these voices that tell them good thing, reaffirming things, things that make the schizophrenic feel valuable and good about themselves. I am not really trying to be terribly funny when I say this but, if schizophrenia was like that, at least to me it would seem like a mental disease that I could put myself behind.
I hope that some day my brother and I could have a talk about the voices he hears. If we could have that talk some day, I would tell him that although I don't hear voices, I can be horribly hard on myself and that I have called myself stupid, or lazy, or berated myself for a silly mistake, and although I don't know (and thankfully) what it is like to live under the crushing weight of schizophrenia, being hard on ones self can be debilitating and paralyzing, but mostly it just hurts, just plain hurts. I love you bubba, I hope that I can help you find some kind of peace.
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