The truth of the matter is that I have no idea what I am doing. My name is Elias Rodriguez and my brother is an epileptic. Partial complex seizure disorder to be exact, and by what I have read each PCSD (I am not sure if PCSD is official, but I will call it that for the sake of simplicity) episode is unique.
My brothers seizures were always part of my life, ever since I could remember. Usually you knew when the seizure was coming because my brother would disappear right before he would have one. He would stare off and this blank expression would cross his face. That was a few seconds before the actual seizure would kick in. At that moment, he would leap up screaming, "It's OK, I'm sorry tonight, how are you! I'm sorry tonight, how are you!" over and over again. And he would grab anyone who was immediately next to him with the superhuman strength that only a man pumped to his eyeballs with adrenaline would have, and every time it was me the one he decided to grab, it was a struggle to keep him from crushing my hand grabbed in his, or God forbid if he got his arms around me. And yeah, sometimes it was enough to hurt. This was a very large part of my life growing up, and although my brother was significantly older than me, and lived on his own since he was fairly young, he was always around our family.
I can't remember when the onset of his schizophrenia really started up. I would imagine he was probably in his early 20's. It stole my brother from me in many ways, at least as I remembered him, just being an epileptic. As I recall in my youth my brother was a very happy person given his situation, and our relationship was very close. It wasn't until all the symptoms started to surface, the paranoia, hearing voices, the anger, delusions, that I drew away from my brother and to a greater extent disassociated from him. It wasn't for shame, or because of embarrassment, that I drew away from him. It just terrified me watching this disease destroy his personality, degrade it to mumbling, anger, even an arrogance in him I never knew. I never understood the arrogant part. Maybe it was because in his deepest delusions it was like he had something figured out, the way we my mom and I, fit into whatever was happening in his head, however, I wasn't really part of his conspiracies then, he more than likely saw me as just too young. However, what I saw frightened me, and frightened me greatly.
There is just too much to tell in one blog entry. I suppose as whatever this is that I am doing unfolds, if it does, then I will be doing a lot of thinking about the past and what happened to my brother, to me, and to the rest of the family. However, I am here, living with my brother at his grace, back in my home town of Kansas City, Missouri, and I am doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing. Essentially, I am talking behind his back. I am a gossip, at least that's how it feels. But bear this in mind, I really have relatively few people to share my experience with, and so far my eight or so weeks back in town have been an experience. My brother, if I may explain, is and has been for quite some time unmedicated. He simply does not believe, more to the point, admit that he has schizophrenia, or at least his that particular seizure disorder causes schizophrenic symptoms. PCSD is difficult like that, because it's side effects are very much and in many ways almost identical to schizophrenia. I don't know how exactly, there is a lot to read and frankly my brother does not help because he keeps his doctors misinformed about his real condition, and he keeps us his family misinformed about what is really going on in his head because much like me, my brother is also terrified of his schizophrenia and his only perceived weapon is denial. Consequently, it is that very denial that has turned him into the man he is today, one that suffers immeasurably because he is desperately trying to keep a lid on whatever chaos is happening in his mind. I suppose it must be a lot like Douglas Quaid the character from Total Recall at least in that he exists in a world where everyone is suspect, everyone has a motive, and everyone (eventually) will turn on him and try to repress, or hold him back from something he feels he deserves. It's just impossible to know what exactly is happening in his head as my brother is the greatest holder of secrets I have ever met. Its all just too much for one blog entry.
My brothers seizures were always part of my life, ever since I could remember. Usually you knew when the seizure was coming because my brother would disappear right before he would have one. He would stare off and this blank expression would cross his face. That was a few seconds before the actual seizure would kick in. At that moment, he would leap up screaming, "It's OK, I'm sorry tonight, how are you! I'm sorry tonight, how are you!" over and over again. And he would grab anyone who was immediately next to him with the superhuman strength that only a man pumped to his eyeballs with adrenaline would have, and every time it was me the one he decided to grab, it was a struggle to keep him from crushing my hand grabbed in his, or God forbid if he got his arms around me. And yeah, sometimes it was enough to hurt. This was a very large part of my life growing up, and although my brother was significantly older than me, and lived on his own since he was fairly young, he was always around our family.
I can't remember when the onset of his schizophrenia really started up. I would imagine he was probably in his early 20's. It stole my brother from me in many ways, at least as I remembered him, just being an epileptic. As I recall in my youth my brother was a very happy person given his situation, and our relationship was very close. It wasn't until all the symptoms started to surface, the paranoia, hearing voices, the anger, delusions, that I drew away from my brother and to a greater extent disassociated from him. It wasn't for shame, or because of embarrassment, that I drew away from him. It just terrified me watching this disease destroy his personality, degrade it to mumbling, anger, even an arrogance in him I never knew. I never understood the arrogant part. Maybe it was because in his deepest delusions it was like he had something figured out, the way we my mom and I, fit into whatever was happening in his head, however, I wasn't really part of his conspiracies then, he more than likely saw me as just too young. However, what I saw frightened me, and frightened me greatly.
There is just too much to tell in one blog entry. I suppose as whatever this is that I am doing unfolds, if it does, then I will be doing a lot of thinking about the past and what happened to my brother, to me, and to the rest of the family. However, I am here, living with my brother at his grace, back in my home town of Kansas City, Missouri, and I am doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing. Essentially, I am talking behind his back. I am a gossip, at least that's how it feels. But bear this in mind, I really have relatively few people to share my experience with, and so far my eight or so weeks back in town have been an experience. My brother, if I may explain, is and has been for quite some time unmedicated. He simply does not believe, more to the point, admit that he has schizophrenia, or at least his that particular seizure disorder causes schizophrenic symptoms. PCSD is difficult like that, because it's side effects are very much and in many ways almost identical to schizophrenia. I don't know how exactly, there is a lot to read and frankly my brother does not help because he keeps his doctors misinformed about his real condition, and he keeps us his family misinformed about what is really going on in his head because much like me, my brother is also terrified of his schizophrenia and his only perceived weapon is denial. Consequently, it is that very denial that has turned him into the man he is today, one that suffers immeasurably because he is desperately trying to keep a lid on whatever chaos is happening in his mind. I suppose it must be a lot like Douglas Quaid the character from Total Recall at least in that he exists in a world where everyone is suspect, everyone has a motive, and everyone (eventually) will turn on him and try to repress, or hold him back from something he feels he deserves. It's just impossible to know what exactly is happening in his head as my brother is the greatest holder of secrets I have ever met. Its all just too much for one blog entry.
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