Another Seizure 9/11/2012

My brother bought an antenna for his television today. I left at about 6 p.m. and took a walk and came home at about 8 p.m. to find that he had had a seizure and broke his antenna. He is also doing something rather curious, he seems to be fixated on comparing his wrist watch time to the alarm clock that he has on the serving bar between the living room and the kitchen. He says that he is taking his meds, but if he were I don't think that his seizures would be almost a daily issue. He has made some effort to get involved with a social group through the hospital that he stayed at during his last breakdown, but his effort to make it to the 8-10 a.m. activities are minimal at best as it is going on two weeks since he has been out and he has only attended one group meeting. I fear that he is heading directly into another episode, so personally, I am getting very concerned about what may happen or how he may (god forbid he does) choose to escalate the situation that seems inevitable unless he starts taking his medication. On a side note, he is spending a fair amount of time mumbling to himself and doing a lot of talking out loud to himself. It seems that when his schizophrenia starts getting bad, this is usually a very good barometer to tell just how intense his symptoms are being.   

9/8/2012: A Discussion With A Highly Functioning Schizophrenic And My Brothers Trip To The Library

I spoke with a next door neighbor yesterday, he is a highly functioning schizophrenic. He essentially told me the same conclusions that I came to in my last blog post. There really is little that I can do for my brother except just be there. I cannot get him to start taking his meds, I cannot help him get his life in order, I am utterly helpless to change anything about his life. The only thing that I can do is be a part of his network of support, and some relief to my mother who with my sister has had to deal with him exclusively as the rest of our family will have nothing to do with my brother. They are useless anyways so although its saddens me that they will not help tow the line for a family member, they themselves are not the kind of people who understand mental illness, nor are the best people who can be empathetic towards the plight of the schizophrenic. However, I must be honest. I sometime feel as if I lack the strength to help my brother, let alone be there for him at the drop of a dime. He wants absolute independence and resents me being here with him, yet he is so completely dependent on me for helping to keep his apartment clean, cook his meals, and be his only friend (and I do mean his only friend). I live in a constant state of preparedness for the inevitable breakdown that he will have, and that is not even an accurate statement. I live on the edge of a knife waiting for him to loose it the same as he did last time, and I know that no matter what I do, it will eventually happen especially since he has completely fallen off his medication regiment even though he has not even been out of the hospital but a week. Yesterday (9/8) he showed up at my job with a large shiner on his left cheekbone. Apparently he was at the library and had a seizure, fell and struck a table with his face. When I asked him if he took his medicine, he paused, thought about it for a second and then told me that he did. I asked if the medicine had time to hit his system and he said that he didn't think it did. Truth be told, I don't think that he was being entirely honest with me. I love my brother, but the stress is getting to me badly. I don't know if I will be able to live this close to him for much longer, and I have started making preparations to find other living arrangements if his instability continues. I walked into this blindly, and frankly I feel as if my family did not really prepare me for what I was getting into. My life is a day to day struggle with frustration and stress.

An Afterthought

I want to keep this short. I am beginning to realize that a close proximity to a schizophrenic is not necessarily the most helpful thing for a schizophrenic. More to the point, the person taking care of them, or the loved one involved in their life must absolutely have the space to be able to shut out the person that they are dealing with from time to time. From my experience I found that I need space for myself to unwind, to feel secure, to feel safe, and to have quiet times away from the chaos that is my brother. I am not sure that living with him is being any more, or less helpful. More to the point I feel an exhaustion that cannot be fixed by mere sleep alone, but rather the kind of soul draining exhaustion that can only be fixed in solitude and the peace and comfort of a familiar safe place out of reach of the world and its problems, and out of reach of the schizophrenic. I am not talking about unhealthy avoidance or denial kinds of isolation where you lock yourself in your home, drawing the shades down tight and hiding away from issues that need to be addressed, but rather the kind of isolation that aids in the replenishment of mental batteries, and the soul. You time. A personal wellness day. Whatever you want to call it, its all the same thing. It boils down to taking care of yourself, not loosing focus in your life, in your ambitions, and your drive. You have to have time for yourself, otherwise, your rubbish to anyone else.

I have to add this observation. I find it ironic that a schizophrenic wants you to leave them alone, they want their own space to make decisions (not all of them good ones) and to have some degree of control over their life, yet they also need their loved ones in a way that is almost codependent. Their needs are endless, yet when you do get involved, they become offended. I have to laugh a little at this because I know I am not dealing with a rational mind here, and being of a highly rational mind, it is almost alien to me how a schizophrenic thinks and behaves. I understand it on some level, maybe an academic one, but my experience is something else entirely where frustration and confusion are my two primary emotions. I know that I do a fair amount of complaining here, and I am not going to lie, I am having a great degree of difficulty with this. I know that when this is all said and done, that I did the best that I could to show my brother the love and support that he deserves, and I hope that I will have a positive impact in his life, but this is hard. This is really really hard, and it breaks my heart that I just can't take this away from him and release his mind from the demons that possess it. No schizophrenia is not demonic possession, but there are times when I can understand why in darker ages, the schizophrenic was seen as being possessed. And in a metaphorical way, is it really that different? My brothers mind has been hijacked by this illness, and it is inescapable, and complete. He has hope, but as anyone who deals with the schizophrenic loved one knows, relief is usually temporary, and sometimes fleeting. It feels like running a marathon where you only have two options, utter abandonment of the ones who suffer, or an endless run where you are granted only small moments of rest between moments of chaos. To those who have not dealt with this, I know it sounds dramatic, but I assure you it is no exaggeration. There are some schizophrenics who do better than others, and God bless those families and friends who have loved ones with only mild issues, or those who understand their schizophrenia and understand how to deal with it as schizophrenics. Your lucky. The endeavor is worth it I assure you of it because you are not given a choice to be selfless, the situation demands selflessness from you regardless of how you feel about it. But it still does not make it any less difficult. I guess that's all I can say about it. Its just hard.

9/7/2012: Homecoming

On 9/5/2012 at 4:00 p.m. my brother came home. I was told by one of his nurses when I called the hospital to speak to him that he had left for home in a cab, so I waited for him on the front steps of the apartment and gave him a big hug when he got home. He wasn't angry, but seemed to be in very good spirits, and spoke of his stay in the hospital as a positive experience saying that he was the crack up of the floor, and made some friends along the way. He also spoke of a program that he could volunteer in that has socials with trained professionals and other people who have a variety of challenges from schizophrenia to bi-polar disorders. He spoke of this group with a great amount of enthusiasm and even seemed to understand that taking his meds was part of that equation. He brought home a prescription for his psych meds (I forgot what they are called, will have to look that up) and said that he would have to get that filled on the 6th. Unfortunately, it is the 7th and he as of yet has picked up his meds if not even filled the prescription. Yesterday morning he woke me, and asked me about a link I left on his Facebook page about Kevin Trudeau and we have a somewhat lively discussion about his criminal past and about his authenticity as an expert in the homeopathic field of medicinal treatments. My brother follows this man with an almost cult like fervor so getting through to him about Mr. Trudeau's unsavory past and reputation for being a modern snake oil salesman wasn't terribly successful if not straight up counter productive. I will have to make note of that in the future as to a man such as my brother with an illness such as the one he has tends to find pattern in everything even where there is none. So I suppose my brother now is convinced that because the government has sued him, banned him, and imprisoned him, that that somehow legitimizes his claims about the governments conspiracy to cover up their using the pharmaceutical industry and the sick as wallets with pig tails. When my brother came to me yesterday morning, he had been up all night, which in my opinion is not good.

Later yesterday evening, I came home from running errands, and my brother was still up and I began to get concerned. I get concerned that when he is not getting regular sleep, it means that his schizophrenia is usually the cause. However this begins a cycle. He stays up because of his schizophrenia, which in turn makes him extremely exhausted, which in turn makes him more prone to seizures, which in turn makes his schizophrenia worse, which makes him stay up longer, thereby causing him to have more seizures, which in turn makes his schizophrenia worse, rinse, repeat until he completely looses it. I just got home from hanging out with a friend today (9/7/12) at 2:30 a.m. (I am on a night schedule) and walked into my brother laying on the couch awkwardly, convulsing mildly (which means I missed the worst of the seizure and he was "coming down" from it) and the coffee table turned over and all his bills, pills, everything scattered about the floor. My prediction was in fact correct, my brother is having epileptic fits while I am away, and it is due to two things, lack of sleep, and missing his medications. I predict that in a weeks time my brother will still not have filled his psych meds, be pulling 48 hours stints, or maybe even longer as he has been known to go as long as 72 hours or more without sleep and his epilepsy will get worse, he will have more seizures, and being that he is still not medicated with his psych meds, he will get more and more paranoid as time moves on. Honestly, I think that what my brother needs more than anything is a schedule where he gets regular sleep. What a shame that no more than he steps foot into his home that he is back to his regular habits that cause his seizures and schizophrenia. I don't know what to do as if this continues any further, it will get worse. I'm getting exhausted with this. 

9/5/2012 Feeling A Little Dissappointed

I have not placed an entry here for a few days, I need the time to myself and to be honest, with my brothers hospitalization, I cannot complain about being able to spend a quiet night alone, or two, or three, or this past week and a half. I look forward to my brothers return, but at the same time I look forward to it full well knowing that with that will come a new set of challenges, hurdles, and obstacles. However, I am feeling a lack of support at the moment mainly from my mom and my sister. I am trying not to rush into judgement, she may have lost her phone, or something may have come up because she too has a life she must attend to that has nothing to do with me, or my brother. However, we (me, my mother, my sister, and my brother) are at a critical point because my brothers social worker and my brother both want to talk to my mother, and as anyone who has dealt with a schizophrenic knows, these moments when family can sit down with their schizophrenic loved one, with a professional and talk about issues and concerns, it is a rare thing indeed, and frankly, I feel as if my mom is squandering a golden opportunity to gain more insight into my brother with the aid of a professional. What I fear is what kind of message will this send to my brother, that my mother does not have the time? That she is too busy to address his concerns? The truth be told, it makes me a little irritated that this opportunity seems to be taken so lightly by mom, or at least if there is something that is making it difficult for her to attend this meeting, that she is at least not communicating to either/both my brother and the social worker the issues that are keeping her from attending this meeting. I feel badly for my brother, I cannot imagine the message that is being sent to him right now while he is alone in this hospital without the aid or support of his family. I think that I am going to try to go tomorrow and bring him something, maybe a deck of cards to occupy his time, and his checkbook and bills so that he may at least have the comfort of knowing that his financial obligations are being addressed. My mother is ageing, and so I do understand that the trek across (way across) town is daunting, but mom please, at least call me, call my brother, explain to him that you can't make it, but most of all, please don't commit to something that you you don't think you can do. If family cannot make their commitments, then how can we possibly expect my brother to do the same?

09/01/2012 Just A Question

I was walking home tonight after work and it was raining. Somewhere between leaving work bone dry and arriving home sopping wet I wondered to myself why schizophrenia always seems to manifest itself in the minds of the schizophrenic so negatively. Its always, "your horrible" or, "your a liar" or, "they are out to get you", but its never, "your a great guy" or, "keep up the great work" or, "people really like you a lot". I wonder if there are schizophrenics out there that have these voices that tell them good thing, reaffirming things, things that make the schizophrenic feel valuable and good about themselves. I am not really trying to be terribly funny when I say this but, if schizophrenia was like that, at least to me it would seem like a mental disease that I could put myself behind.

I hope that some day my brother and I could have a talk about the voices he hears. If we could have that talk some day, I would tell him that although I don't hear voices, I can be horribly hard on myself and that I have called myself stupid, or lazy, or berated myself for a silly mistake, and although I don't know (and thankfully) what it is like to live under the crushing weight of schizophrenia, being hard on ones self can be debilitating and paralyzing, but mostly it just hurts, just plain hurts. I love you bubba, I hope that I can help you find some kind of peace.  

Update: WOOOHOOO!!!!

Got a call from my brother at 3:08 p.m. today. He is in great spirits! I think he has been taking his meds and it shows by the tone of his voice on the phone Aw man I am so relieved to hear him sounding so great. Hell he even said that he loved me! I don't expect the "bumpy ride" is over, but I am beginning to learn that sometimes you just have to set the big picture aside from time to time and enjoy a good day when your having a good day. This apartment is a little lonely without my brother, and both the apartment and I will breathe a sigh of relief when he gets home. All is not clear, and I am still cautious, but for right now, it is rainy and cool out, I can hear the sounds of water splashing under the tires of the traffic outside, The Beatles are playing on my MP3 player, my brother is in good spirits, and I am feeling pretty damn good right now. Thank you brother, I needed this desperately. I love you too!!!